HELPFUL HINTS ON STAYING WELL (NOT)

It's that time of year when everyone is getting sick and disgusting!! Want to know how to stay healthy while everyone around you looks like Lindsey Lohan after....well......like Lindsey Lohan? Just follow these simple steps to healthiness!!! Number One: Don't talk to people. It is a proven fact that conversing with others will get you sick to the point of death. Their nasty breath blowing in your delicate face is tantamount to murder, so avoid them at any cost. Number Two: Don't touch anyone or anything. Someone rushing to that catch that elevator you are on? Don't touch that button to stop the door!! You could get the swine flu. Give them the bird and move on. Someone falling on the street and you could easily catch them. DON'T!!! They might have a cold. Let some other sucker fall for that one. Number Three: Don't eat anything. You never know who handled that package before you (this goes along with not touching anything also). Why risk getting sick AND fat by eating something someone has fondled at your local supermarket. You know, they will let almost ANYONE in those places these days. If you stick strictly to my diet of tap water (from your own home) and second hand cigarette smoke, the flu season will be gone before you know it and you will be perfectly healthy. (CAUTION: Some doctors would disagree with that last statement.) Finally, always remember to keep a horrible attitude and a frown on your face, this will keep people away from you and make them not want to talk to you so you don't have to focus on rules one and two. So follow my easy steps to staying healthy and you may live to see the Spring once again. (CAUTION: Some doctors would say you won't.) xoxo Wendell