HUMPDAY SEXY SONG: DO I HAVE TO SAY THE WORDS? - BRYAN ADAMS

I'm sorry, but Bryan Adams is one of the sexiest things to ever croak out a note. Sorry, not sorry. I love him. This song is swoon-tastic and deserves your full attention. "Must I prove to you how good we are together?" YAASS!! How are you going to do that, Bryan? Give me details. Do I Have To Say The Words? came out in the summer of 1992 and I listened to it about a hundred-heptabajillion times. That's a lot, y'all! Now my only complaint is there is too much of that girl in the video and not enough of my sexy Canadian man-candy. I'll live. Watch below and feast your eyes on the slightly rough yet still awesomely sexy face pic I posted of my Canandian Mount-me Mountie on the post. Enjoy and hump something from Canada while you listen.

LADY GAGA IS NORMAL, FUNNY HUMAN BEING IN SNL PROMOS

Wow! It's nice to see Gaga acting like a person. Here she is in her series of promos for her upcoming hosting/musical guest gig on Saturday Night Live. She teams up with Kenan Thompson for some tomfoolery and makes me believe that she just might pull this off. Sure, she still looks a little crazy, but let's grab onto what we can. Ha. JK! I love you, Gaga. ARTPOP is out now and her SNL appearance is this Saturday, the 16th.

NEW LILY ALLEN!!!!! IT'S HARD OUT HERE

AND JUST LIKE THAT, without warning, Lily Allen is back!!! Here is some classic, sarcastic Lily for you to ingest today. It's Hard Out Here is right on track with Lily's POV; sexy, smart, sassy and catchy. "Forget your balls and grow some tits..." YAAAS! She even takes the opportunity to strike back at Robin Thicke......and of course it is perfection! The song is about why it's so much harder for women to be accepted in society, especially in pop music, unless you have that perfect body. Lily just had two kids, y'all!!! Each album she's released has changed up her sound while maintaining that certain Lily-ness that keeps us coming back for more. Who is it hard out here for? A bitch, of course!!! This is awesome. Enjoy and look out for news on Lily's third album (hopefully) coming soon!!!! Lily's last album, the amazing It's Not Me, It's You, came out in 2009.

THE #1 SONG 10 YEARS AGO TODAY WAS.....

....Baby Boy by Beyonce (ft. Sean Paul). Wow! That was 10 years ago? O-L-D! Beyonce was on her very first solo album and this was her second single and second #1 song from Dangerously in Love. Baby Boy was inspired by dance hall and Middle Eastern music and was sexy as all hell. The song vaulted quickly to #1 and stayed there for 9 weeks, one more than Crazy In Love, and stayed on the Hot 100 for 29 weeks. The video featured a sexy Bey dancing and twerking and working her ass off on the beach, in a house and rolling around in some fur. She was busy, y'all! Anyway, here is Baby Boy (ft. Sean Paul), the #1 song on this day in 2003. Work.

MILEY CYRUS SMOKES WEED ON STAGE AT EUROPEAN VMAs

Miley Cyrus, looking hot, winning an award, smoking a doobie. What the hell is wrong with that? The MTV Europe VMAs were held this past weekend and Miley won Best Video for Wrecking Ball. While on stage she lit up! It's legal in Amsterdam, where the awards were held, after all, so who cares? Right? Oh, people are freaking out about it. Well, Miley has become the new lightening rod for controversy, so get used to it, angry parents. I'm sure the performance clips will come on line later today, so keep an eye out. In the meantime, watch her light up below. It's kinda cute actually.

FLASHBACK: MY MUSIC IN 1985: NOVEMBER 10th

IT'S A TIE!!! What? How does that even work? Ha. Well, my 1985 self apparently could not make a decision on the #1 song for this week, girl. It was just too hard. I had pants to pinch-roll and hair to tease. Anyhoo, this week sees a lot of new songs jumping onto the top 30 in my world, including the delicious Sting and the amazy Simple Minds. Sheila E. has, with the inclusion of Holly Rock, three songs in the top 30. Tina Turner joins Bryan Adams for a classic 80s duet and Wham! is back with a song that made me tingle where my bathing suit covered. Check out the link for Whitney Houston's Saving All My Love For You. It's her performance from the 1986 Grammy Awards which won her an Emmy. See what she did there? Anyway, if you remember 1985 then you'll remember how excited I must have been to have all this music. So click some links and enjoy your Sunday morning. It's totally radical!!

30. It's Only Love - Bryan Adams and Tina Turner
29. Holly Rock - Sheila E.
28. Love is the Seventh Wave - Sting
27. I'm Your Man - Wham!
26. Do It For Love - Sheena Easton
25. Object of My Desire - Starpoint
24. I Miss You - Klymaxx
23. Alive and Kicking - Simple Minds
22. Screams of Passion - The Family
21. Emergency - Kool & The Gang
20. Perfect Way - Scritti Politti
19. Lover Come Back to Me - Dead or Alive
18. Election Day - Arcadia
17. Party All The Time - Eddie Murphy
16. Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves - Eurythmics and Aretha Franklin
15. Saving All My Love For You - Whitney Houston
14. Sleeping Bag - ZZ Top
13. America - Prince & The Revolution
12. A Love Bizarre - Sheila E. with Prince
11. Who's Zoomin' Who - Aretha Franklin
10. Soul Kiss - Olivia Newton John
09. One of the Living - Tina Turner
08. Oak Tree - Morris Day
07. Broken Wings - Mr. Mister
06. Be Near Me - ABC
05. Sister Fate - Sheila E.
04. Separate Lives - Phil Collins and Marilyn Martin
03. Miami Vice Theme - Jan Hammer
01(B) Never - Heart
01(A) Lay Your Hands On Me - Thompson Twins

LADY GAGA "DEPRESSED" AFTER FINISHING ARTPOP

As drag diva Latrice Royale would say, think about The Five G's: Good God Get a Grip, Girl. Lady Gaga recently opened her pie hole in an interview with O2 about her new album, ARTPOP (which isn't even out yet) and said that she has a severe case of the boohoos now that the recording process is over. "I'm depressed after making the album. I feel sad. I'm no longer the creator, I'm the performer." Yes, girl. That is how it works. Maybe you remember that from your last three albums you released? No. Well, think about it. You had best pull it together, Lady, because there are millions of gays all over the world ready to judge your ass if you don't turn it out during this promotional period. It takes more than a fuzzy mask and crying jag to make me snap my fingers in fierceness. Now you know I love me some Gaga, but she recently fired her longtime manager and has taken total and complete creative control over all aspects of the ARTPOP release. She needs some help with her business decision, I would venture to say. She isn't exactly Stable Mable all the time. Let's all cross our fingers and hope that Gaga is pulling it together. She is hosting and performing on SNL on November 16th, the week of ARTPOP's release. I'm rooting for you, bitch!!!

MADONNA FRIDAY: NOTHING REALLY MATTERS

Madonna is always searching for a new way to express herself. Her critically acclaimed, commercial smash Ray of Light was the most spiritual album of her career up to that point )and arguably ever). Taking influences from kabbalah and inspiration from her newly born daughter, Lourdes, Madonna's ROL album was emotionally charged and serioius. The song Nothing Really Matters looks into Madonna's past obsession with fame and fortune and how, once you find love, all of that seems less important. The song was released in 1999 with basically no promotion from Madonna's record label in the US, resulting in her lowest charting on the Hot 100 (#93) but reaching #1 on the Hot Dance Club Play Chart and #27 in Singles Sales. The song was however a top 10 hit in the UK and Canada. The video is visually stunning and one of Madonna's most creative. Set in what looks to be a Japanese geisha house, Madonna is wearing a kimono and carrying a large... um..... well, sack thingy. Different people are shown carrying the same thing around, representing possibly a baby or the ideal of love. Who knows for sure.There is also a section that features butoh dance moves. It's weird and I love it! Anyway, enjoy Madonna's Nothing Really Matters.

TRACK-BY-TRACK COMPARISON. WHICH IS BETTER, PRISM OR ARTPOP?

This is as much for me as it is for you, kids. Katy Perry and Lady Gaga, whether they like it or not, are pop rivals. They have released albums at around the same time, singles around the same time, and they are both young ladies in the spotlight who gets their tits out for publicity on occasion. Yay! Sluts!! Now, these two albums could NOT be more different. Katy is going for the broadest possible audience with pure pop music and Gaga doesn't really seem to care about mass appeal, going for more off-beat sounds and lyrics. So let's take this track by track and see how the layout works for Prism versus ARTPOP. Here we go, the battle of the bitches, 2013. Read on. Bee-Tee-Dubs, I reserve the right to later on totally change my mind about any of these comparisons. I am a fickle gay. The first songs are Katy's and the second are Gaga's. For those of you who aren't familiar: < = less than; > = greater than; = = equal. Hey, I don't know your life!

1. Roar < Aura - To be fair, Roar is the lowest possible denominator in any Katy Perry song. I don't enjoy it at all. BUT Aura is also a fun, sexy song and a great album opener. This one goes to Gaga.

2. Legendary Lovers = Venus - This was a tough one. I genuinely like both of these songs. Venus is campy and fun and Legendary Lovers is a more sincere love song. I just can't pick between them. Both are standouts. It's a tie!!

3. Birthday < G.U.Y. - I know Katy's fans are going crazy for Birthday, but to me it's just Last Friday Night, Part 2. Not that it's bad; it's actually pretty appealing and cute and perfect to play on your sexy-times partner's birthday. But G.U.Y. pumps along with a thumping beat and just enough Gaga weirdness to give it that something special to put it over the top. Lady Gaga gets this one.

4. Walking On Air < Sexxx Dreams - Walking On Air still annoys me, though it is growing on me a little. I just can't get the image of Katy, one of the most uncoordinated pop stars ever, dancing to this 90s house throwback on SNL. It kind of makes me cringe and laugh. Sexxx Dreams is one of Gaga's most sexually explicit songs to date and it is good, y'all! Gaga gets it.

5. Unconditionally > Jewels N' Drugs (ft T.I., Too $hort and Twista) - Without a doubt. Not only is Unconditionally a pretty good song, Jewels N' Drugs is an embarrassment. I genuinely hate it. Katy takes this one.

6. Dark Horse > MANiCURE - Dark Horse is the E.T. of Prism, and that's a good thing. It's nice to see Katy get out of cutesy mode every now and then. This one works. MANiCURE, aside from the fact that I CAN'T with the typography, is an entertaining song, but it doesn't quite fit in the order of the album. I am not sold on it; therefore, Katy takes this one.

7. This Is How We Do < Do What U Want (ft. R. Kelly) -No contest, Gaga takes this one. This Is How We Do is verging on obnoxious. Both songs are the artists attempts at hip hop, and Gaga's Do What U Want is a winner for sure. Point: Gaga.

8. International Smile < ARTPOP - Although International Smile is one of my faves on Prism, ARTPOP is unbeatable in my mind right now. It's dark and sexy and hard for any song off of either album to top. Gaga snags another one.

9. Ghost < Swine - Swine is a electro/industrial hybrid with some sweet cooing bridges thrown in for good measure. Weird also. Ghost is a heartfelt ballad that could have been written by a junior high girl who just got dumped by the football player of her dreams. I'm not complaining about that. I'm a junior high girl at heart, after all. Clearly. Swine wins this one by a nose.

10. Love Me > Donatella - Love Me has some clever lyrics. Unlike what it sounds like, it's actuallly about self-empowerment. It's got a nice beat and a bubbly, electro undercurrent in it's mid-tempo arrangement. Donatella is more camp from ARTPOP. It is a serviceable number, but doesn't quite take off like you want it to. Not as over-the-top as it's subject matter. Katy, take it and run.

11. This Moment > Fashion! - This Moment remind me of a hybrid of I Want To Break Free and Radio Gaga by Queen. Those are great songs and this is a pretty awesome one too! It's ironic (dontcha think?) that Katy would take this one with a song that sounds like the song Gaga's stage name came from? Fashion! is a good tune, but doesn't quite have the umph! that This Moment has. Nice 90s feel to it, though. Score, Katy.

12. Double Rainbow = Mary Jane Holland - Two very, very different songs. Mary Jane Holland is a celebration of weed, basically, once you boil it down. Double Rainbow is so serious it was co-written by Sia. Now THAT'S serious. MJH is a thumping industrial banger and Double Rainbow is a pretty ballad. I can't pick one. It's another tie.

13. By The Grace of God < Dope - I will say that By The Grace of God is quite lovely. It's nice to feel that Katy has opened the curtain and let us in to what she's gone through the last couple of years. It really humanizes her. That being said, Dope is a gut-wrenching, Alanis-worthy piano number where Gaga bares her soul and sings her vajayjay off. I'm going to have to hand this one to Lady Gaga.

14. Spiritual > Gypsy - Gypsy is pretty epic in it's sound and scope, but does seem like a sequel to Edge of Glory so I'm taking a couple points off for that. Fair? Well, you can disagree on YOUR blog. Ha. Spiritual is my favorite song on Prism. It's kind of everything. I like the beat, the lyrics, the overall feel. It's Katy at her dreamiest. Spiritual trumps Gypsy.

15. It Takes Two < Applause - While It Takes Two is fine pop music, Applause is one of the catchiest songs of the year. Applause is a great example of Gaga's ability to write a hook and stands up with some of her best. Point: Gaga.

16. Choose Your Battles = (no #16) - Katy has an extra song, so this doesn't count.

SO, what's the score?
Prism - 5 (+ 2 ties)
ARTPOP - 8 (+ 2 ties)
ARTPOP WINS!!!!!!

HUMPDAY SEXY SONG: DIRRTY - CHRISTINA AGUILERA

When Christina Aguilera released Dirrty (that's with two Rs, thank you) in 2002 everybody went ape-shit crazy. What happened to that little Disney princess with the angel voice? Well, I'll tell you: She grew up, got her some gays and they whored her up real nice. WOOT!! The all new, all slutty, all the time Xtina (as she would come to be called) was ready to shed that good girl image and show us how she can shake her man-hungry poontrap. Oh, Xtina, you never looked back. The video was especially shocking. Directed by the amazing David LaChapelle, it included a cast of wacky characters, sexy multi-ethnic dancers, a lot of not-very-sanitary-looking water and a half naked Xtina bumping and grinding her way to infamy. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!! It is one of the, if not THE, most shocking transformations I have witnessed in modern day pop music. You gotta give the girl some credit; she's got balls. The song is about as sexy as you can get and, whether you like it or not, sex became a part of Xtina's career for good. So here is the demure 21-year-old Christina Aguilera's 2002 hit Dirrty. Enjoy and hump the nearest thing you can find.

REVIEW: LADY GAGA - ARTPOP

Lady Gaga has her full new album streaming on iTunes radio, right on your iPhone!! Get over there and listen right away and read along to my expert (duh!) opinion on the full track list. Or just read what I think and blindly follow, which is a pretty safe bet, right? Anyhooo, here ya go. There are some major problems when you hit the middle of this record, in my opinion, but I think there is a lot here that you will like, certainly if you're a Gaga fan, which I am. I would say it's more of a return to the sounds of The Fame and The Fame Monster, but there are some very questionable forays into R&B and Hip Hop that I think my earholes could have lived two lifetimes without every hearing. (No thank you, Twista) Word of warning, the iTunes radio version edits out all the dirty words. You know, because we're all 10 years old. C'mon.

1. Aura - Already previewed in a promo for Machete Kills, Lady Gaga is in full EDM mode on this album opener. Very similar feel to Judas off Born This Way, Aura has a sexy little bridge to it and keeps a pumping, fast pace going and serves as an exciting opening for the album.

2. Venus - Venus is a bouncy, weird, addictive song with strange, Gaga-esque lyrics and another sweet bridge. Does anyone do a sweet bridge like Gaga? I think not. Gaga has promised a proper single release for Venus, so we'll be getting more of it, including a video, in the future.

3. G.U.Y. - Acting as some sort of flight attendant to the gods in the opening spoken word intro, Gaga plays with gender roles repeating, "I wanna be that guy (G.U.Y.)" to her lover. The song is a little more mid-tempo than the previous two tracks, but keeps in the same EDM sound that the album releases thus far have promised we were getting. Ends with a little screaming. Okay.

4. Sexxx Dreams - As overtly sexual as Gaga has gotten thus far, this song is about exactly what you think it's about. "I can't help my mind from going there." I'd say this song is pretty freakin' sexy. Strong vocals underscored by spoken coos underneath and a grinding beat moves it along. What a whore! YAY!!

5. Jewels n' Drugs - Okay. This is Gaga with T.I., Too $hort and Twista. I don't know who two of those things are and don't care who any of them are and I don't like for this song. Sorry, not gonna lie, I don't like it AT ALL. The song is just boring and I can't stand all the dumb verses that the various rappers are spitting. Not good. It's not very often that I have such a visceral reaction to a song, but this is one of them. Waste of space on this record.

6. MANiCURE - Yes, it's written that way. I wouldn't make that up. MANiCURE jumps all of the sudden into rock territory. Crunching guitars and growling vocals change up the feel of the album we had up to this point. Not sure about this one. It's just so different and unexpected compared to what we've been listening to so far. Maybe it will grow on me, but we'll have to wait and see.

7. Do What U Want (ft. R. Kelly) - Now THIS is the shit. Love this song. Do What U Want was officially bumped up to the second single after its preview on iTunes, and with good reason. It's sexy, catchy and almost makes me like R. Kelly! That's something. Definitely a highlight on the album and hopefully we'll get video for this song soon.

8. ARTPOP - I have been waiting to get my hands on this song since her iTunes Festival performance. It is just THE BEST!!! ARTPOP is reminiscent of everything I loved about Depeche Mode and Eurythmics in the 80s. I can't say enough how much I love this song. Very dark, sexy and EVERYTHING!

9. Swine - Weird and wild. "You're just a pig inside a human body." NO idea what this all means, but it's wrapped up inside an electro package that is pretty compelling. I will admit that the lyrics are a little hard to swallow, but the song is pretty good.

10. Donatella - I can't decide if this is an ode to the fashion maven of the House of Versace, or if it's mocking her. Maybe it's both. Either way, it's campy and kinda fun. It's not a standout by any means, but it's not a throwaway either. I hope she does a video with Gina Gershon as Donatella! Ha. I'm pretty sure this song will grow on me.

11. Fashion - It starts out with a piano riff, and then segues into a 90s groove that reminds me of George Michael's Fastlove or Spin the Wheel. It joins songs on Gaga's other albums that deal with her ongoing love of fashion, for better or worse sometimes, and is a different sound than we've heard from her before. Katy Perry borrowed from the 90s on her new disc, so it looks like there's a trend starting.

12. Mary Jane Holland - The second song about drugs (so far) on the album, I'm wondering if Gaga is really as sober as she wants us to believe. Mary Jane Holland is some electro fodder with a rock edge. A touch of Rocky Horror in the backup vocals, MJH talks of Russian hookers and other sins and solves the problem with a little weed. Good enough. Pretty catchy and a sassy little number.

13. Dope - The only ballad on the record, Dope is much like Brown Eyes from The Fame, Speechless from The Fame Monster and  of course You and I from Born This Way. Not to say it's a carbon copy of any of those songs; it has a feel of its own. There is a nice build and an electro undercurrent that keeps it from being just another piano power ballad and Gaga is singing right from the kitty by the end. Oh, third song referencing drugs, in case you're keeping count.

14. Gypsy - Starting off nice and soft, Gypsy builds into a Edge of Glory type barn burner. It may BE the Edge of Glory from ARTPOP, if I had to guess. All 80s metal glory and bravado. It's got something about it that tells me we are going to be hearing more of it very soon. I was kinda hoping it was a Fleetwood Mac cover, but it's not. Ha.

15. Applause - I don't really need to review this, do I? Just watch the video below.

NEW LADY GAGA: DOPE

And here is the final song to be released before ARTPOP comes out next Monday. Dope is a somber ballad about losing a friend and isn't nearly as frightening as its artwork that was released last week. The song is quite lovely actually and it's nice to hear Gaga emoting her ass off again. Take a listen below and get ready for ARTPOP in a week!

FLASHBACK: MY MUSIC IN 1985 - NOVEMBER 3RD

Sorry for the day delay in posting, just pretend daylight savings time made this happen yesterday. So November 3rd saw a lot of 80s realness happening in my world. I mean, Eurythmics were saying sayonara to the chart, a group of grown men had the testicular fortitude to call themselves The Hooters, and Morris Day had a solo hit!! You're welcome, world. Thompson Twins were holding strong to the #1 spot again this week, refusing to let it go to Heart or ABC.
And look! Over there! It's Bryan Adams. Anyhoozers, click on the links below and party like it 1985.

30. There Must Be An Angel (Playing with My Heart) - Eurythmics
29. One Night Love Affair - Bryan Adams
28. You Belong to the City - Glenn Frey
27. And We Danced - The Hooters
26. Object of My Desire - Starpoint
25. Emergency - Kool & The Gang
24. Perfect Way - Scritti Politti
23. Soul Kiss - Olivia Newton John
22. Election Day - Arcadia
21. Lover Come Back To Me - Dead or Alive
20. Boy In The Box - Corey Hart
19. Party All the Time - Eddie Murphy
18. Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves - Eurythmics and Aretha Franklin
17. Screams of Passion - The Family
16. Sleeping Bag - ZZ Top
15. America - Prince & The Revolution
14. A Love Bizarre - Sheila E. ft. Prince
13. Who's Zoomin' Who - Aretha Franklin
12. We Built This City - Starship
11. One of the Living - Tina Turner
10. Oak Tree - Morris Day
09. Love Theme from St. Elmo's Fire - David Foster
08. Broken Wings - Mr. Mister
07. Sister Fate - Sheila E.
06. Saving All My Love For You - Whitney Houston
05. Separate Lives - Phil Collins and Marilyn Martin
04. Miami Vice Theme - Jan Hammer
03. Be Near Me - ABC
02. Never - Heart
01. Lay Your Hands On Me - Thompson Twins

LADY GAGA UNVEILS DISTURBING ARTWORK FOR "DOPE"

Um...what in Steven Tyler looking hell? Lady Gaga is turning up the volume on weird leading up to the release of ARTPOP (November 11th), but up until now it has been with more side-boob and ass shots. This is CUH-RAH-ZAH!!!! Dope is the next song to be pre-released from ARTPOP next Monday and, if you go by this image on the cover, it's going to be weird as shit. I'm not sure what is going on, special FX/photoshop-wise, in this pic but I know one thing: it has jumped to #1 on everyone's boner-shrinker list. It's like what Michael Jackson must look like NOW. (R.I.P. Michael) Is that Khloe Kardashian's jacket she's wearing? I mean, her waist and legs look good???? Except for the bruises. I'm trying to be nice, people. You know I love me some Lady Gaga, but that grill is enough to make my penis a bellybutton. Seriously. It's scared, y'all. I can only hope that the song will make up for this image that I'm sure will wake me in a cold sweat in the middle of the night tonight. Pray for me. Again, Dope hits iTunes Monday.

MADONNA FRIDAY: BORDERLINE

"Something in the way you love me won't let me be....." Madonna could have been saying this to me, dancing around my bedroom with a rag tied on my head, singing along to Borderline. Back in early 1984, Madge was still shiny and new and Borderline was on it's way to becoming her first Top 10 hit on the Billboard Hot 100. Considered by most to be a Madonna AND an 80s classic, Borderline was fun, sexy, flirty and girlish and let Madonna make her first real mark on the music video world and MTV with it's bright, battle of the sexes, girl-from-the-wrong-side-of-the-tracks-makes-good concept. She danced, she sang, she modeled, she spray painted a car and pissed off some guy that looks a lot like Paul McCartney (but isn't). Madonna had an unprecedented string of top 10 hits following this song, but Borderline is one of a kind. You never forget your first. Enjoy the video and don't let it push you "over the bordeline". Punny.