Andy Cohen called Tina Few up on stage at the GLAAD Media Awards and asked her for answers to these pressing, gay-related questions. Tina, as always, is brilliant and hilarious:Cohen: Rosie O’Donnell, Ellen, Wanda Sykes, Sarah Gilbert, Dinah Shore — why are lesbians so good at hosting talk shows?
Fey: First of all, Dinah Shore is new information to me.
I always assumed. I assumed.
Um, so why are lesbians? I would say because lesbians living in the United States, they’re very good at pretending to be interested in the boring stories that straight people tell about their dates and families.
Very good. Tina Fey, which of these gays would you most want as your TV neighbor: (a) Jack from Will & Grace; (b) Matt Fielding from Melrose Place; (c) Steven Carrington from Dynasty; (d) Cameron and Mitchell from Modern Family?
Well, I have to say I have a special sweet spot for Sean Hayes, so I would say Jack, because Sean is the exact mix of adorable, Irish, and gay that confused me my entire high-school career.
Tina Fey, if I threw Mr. Furley into the mix from Three’s Company, would you still stick with Jack?
As a neighbor? Yeah, because I think he’s a very nosy neighbor.
Okay. Tina Fey, Ernie and Bert — lifelong bachelors or waiting for marriage equality?
I actually think that Ernie and Bert are lifelong bachelors, but I think that Telly and Murray are quietly together. Just quietly together.
All right. Which TV couple, Tina Fey, do you imagine must have gotten to first base at some point: (a) Kate & Allie; (b) Jane Hathaway and Granny Clampett; (c) Peppermint Patty and Marcie.
I would put my money — I would suspect that maybe Jane Hathaway and Granny made a poultice one night, drank some moonshine out by the cement pond, both kind of picturing Ellie Mae. Eyes closed, picturing Ellie Mae, and making it work.
Tina Fey, do you actually believe that any of these TV butlers are straight, and please try to support your answer: (a) Benson; (b) Rosie the Robot on the Jetsons; (c) Jeffrey on The Fresh Prince; (d) Niles from The Nanny. Any of them, do you think could be straight?
I mean, I would maybe say Alfred, only because it continues to be a fine line between British and gay. It’s hard to tell.
Confusing. Tina Fey, some gay celebrities have come out on the cover of People magazine, some have come out on Oprah. If you realized that you had been living a lie tomorrow and just decided to come out, how would you choose to do it?
I would say either halftime at the Super Bowl would be good, or also it might be kind of weird to do it in the middle of the in-memoriam at the Oscars.
Okay. Tina Fey, in an episode of 30 Rock, Frank unexpectedly fell for Liz’s boy toy Jamie. Liz tells him, “That’s not a thing. You can’t be gay for one person,” which is true, I think. But if you, Tina Fey, could be gay for one person on television, who would you dive in the lady pond for?
It’s a hard one. I mean, really, I’ve been asked this in the past. By the way — how many people in this room are just sitting there thinking I need to work on my triceps? Well, me, one. Um, I don’t know, people have asked me this before, and my stock answer is usually Oprah. But, uh, I would say maybe Lynda Carter’s Wonder Woman.
Okay. We’re in the home stretch here. Which TV lesbian’s fashion sense speaks the most to Tina Fey: (a) C.J. Lamb from L.A. Law; (b) Patty Bouvier from The Simpsons; (c) Xena the Warrior Princess; (d) Suze Ormond; or (e) Tila Tequila.
You know, I’m partial to a blazer, so I would maybe say Suze. I like a nice blazer. Also, I like Rachel Maddow’s haircut. Does that count? The moment 30 Rock gets canceled, I’m getting that haircut.
Okay, Tina Fey, final question: Robert Reed, God rest his soul, he was a trained Shakespearean actor and gay American who played the loving father on The Brady Bunch for five years. Which one of his castmates do you believe must have tried his last gay nerve the most, and why?
First of all, it’s definitely not Florence Henderson. Like, she’s fabulous, fantastic, and a potty mouth and delightful. Um, I guess maybe, oh, Jan, because, you’d just be, like, come on, like, fix it.
